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  • "My iPod is broken. I think it's because I put a Limewire onto it."
  • "I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday."
  • "Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet?"
  • "I swear, if another freshman touches me, I'm gonna shoot them!"
  • "She called me gross and fat. I think she's attracted to me."
  • "Must smash singer."
  • "Yes. It's like when the ugly caterpillar becomes a beautiful swan."
  • "Ultimate super fist of the nose hair!"
  • "I like to pick my toes."
  • "Eggplants topped with a spicy sauce!"
  • "Can I take a nap in your nose?"
  • "Kicking butt makes him breathe a lot."
  • "A vote for him has a special place, it's a vote for not getting kicked in the face!"
  • "Time to change your underwear, super fist of the nose hair...nostril missile!!!"
  • "But why should we waste food? One reason: it's poisonous."
  • "If this is a mirror, then I need a haircut."
  • "The poop's heading right to our poop deck!"
  • "You have an afro on your leg."
  • "His capa was just detated!"
  • "I filled the car with beans!"
  • "Winston was gelatinous with fatigue."
  • "Synthetic flesh!"
  • "The train radio vomited upon Montag"
  • "The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe."
  • "Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat."
  • "I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."
  • "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.'
    I said, 'You'll be sorry.'
    He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?'
    I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'"
  • "'If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?'
    'Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.'"
  • "Smokers are like ordinary people, just not as long."
  • "Without this great land of ours, we would all drown."
  • "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but so would an 80 pound carrot."
  • "If you're arguing with an idiot, make sure he isn't doing the same thing."
  • "A whole lot of people are really not good at anything."
  • "If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick."
  • "Memorize quotes. They're useful in ending and winning arguments. Then again, so are semi-automatic weapons."
  • "God was my copilot until we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him."
  • "Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains."
  • "It is not possible to ski through a revolving door."
  • "It is generally agreed that 'Hello' is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said 'Goodbye' it would confuse a lot of people."
  • "Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower."
  • "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother."
  • "Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
    1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
    2. Advising the President.
    3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
  • "How do you play religious roulette?
    You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first."
  • "Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them."
  • "The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man."
  • "My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work."
  • "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
  • "Once I tried to kill myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
  • "When you think that bad things only happen to the other guy, remember that to everyone else in the world, you are the other guy."
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